White stuff

*Crosses fingers and toes* Please, please, please let it snow in York tomorrow!

I hope, *concentrates really hard* that when I wake up tomorrow, there will be a white out and the snow will last longer than 1 hour and 12 minutes!

Now, where did I put my sledge and snow shoes...

*grin*

Breast aware

I had an appointment today at the breast clinic to have my breasts checked. Breast awareness - I'm being serious now so no rude comments please - is very important to me.

My Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was 37. Both my parents knew from the start that the odds were stacked against Mum's survival. Fortunately for us, she had the most incredible character to keep us all going through the 2 years that followed her diagnosis. She passed away when she was 39.

En route to the hospital, I saw my Mum's hands driving the car when I looked down at the steering wheel. Trips like today, always make me wonder what it must have been like for her, and many other women in the same situation. I can only begin to imagine.

Mum's strength of character was the absolute back bone to keeping us all on track. Looking back on those times, I'm in complete awe of her.

She would play games with my brother and I. I always thought it was silly and dull because the main game she'd play with us was called "let's pretend Mum's not here." She named it, not us, she had a sick sense of humour.

I hated it because it involved me having to do the ironing while she lay down on the couch, ordering the odd cup of tea here and there. To which my retort was, "I can't make tea for Mum if we're pretending she's not here!" She gave me the look, half giggling. You never mess with "the look."

I'm lucky to have the warmest memories of her, and her sense of humour. After some surgery, she applied for a disabled badge for the car. Her argument being that she couldn't walk very far with the groceries. But in reality, she was vying for the best parking spots for shopping in the city. She got the badge.

When asked how she was feeling after her mastectomy, her response was "I feel like I've gotten a lot off my chest!"

Medicine has advanced in the 19 years since Mum was diagnosed. But I feel that I have to take control. I'm not satisfied waiting until my 50th birthday for my breast screening. I want to be in the system, being checked. By taking action, it makes me feel like I'm armed. I want to do everything in my power, every preventative measure, to give me the chance that wasn't available to my Mum. I owe it to us both.

State of arousal

My sockets huddle around my eyeballs. I can't sleep. Again. Staring past the unnatural glow from my computer and overhead light, I can see that I'm the only one "up."

I can hear birds already outside, but I find their sound more comforting after 3am. There's a freshness surrounding their warm sound of the new dawn. This is the sound that I find most soothing. Coated in honey and soft morning dew. Each song drips medicinally into me and lulls me off to my speculating slumber.

2:59 am

My head is on my pillow
But I wish it was on you.
Taking in the softness of your silhouette,
And being sedated by your heartbeat.

I count sheep cos I cannae sleep

I've not been able to fall asleep easily the past couple of weeks. Strangely, I haven't been overly tired through the day. I've been trying a number of methods to induce sleep - Duvel, hot chocolate, gym...herbal remedies, etc, etc. Sarah recommended some good novels for me to get lost in. So I started the Da Vinci Code last night. 80 pages later and it was 2am.

I'd been asleep for only an hour, when I was awakened by my neighbours un-rythmic sex. This isn't the first time it's happened (actually, it's only the second, in say, 6 months, bless). Really, if you're going to get down to it and waken me at 3-fricken-am, at least give me something to listen to! At least then I could understand why they felt compelled to get it on, if, it sounded like fun. I really had to stop myself from going outside in my pjs and shouting through their letter box "IS IT REALLY WORTH IT?!?! SOME OF US ARE TRYING REALLY, REALLY HARD TO SLEEP HERE!!!!"


Anyways, back to the lack of sleep and strange behaviour. For someone who has the ability to delay the inevitable, I've been tackling quite a lot of tasks. Some through out the day and some, oddly at night. The other evening, well, I say evening but it was around 1.30am, I'm playing table tennis with my thoughts and decided that it would be a good idea to clear down my inbox. Not only that, I decided that I would categorise and give myself folders. 52 pages later, and I had an inbox that consisted only of those items that needed action. Believe me when I say that I'm in deep, deep, DEEP shock!

Is it possible that I'm actually trying to procrastinate on my sleep???

Thank crunchie it's Friday!!!

It's in the wee small hours of the morning, and I've taken hours, HOURS(!) *bleary eyed look*, to transfer my itunes between my laptops. I just went to bed in the hope that I was going to drift asleep listening to some tunes and this came on:

Birds flyin' high you know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by you know how I feel
Its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life for me
yeah, its a new dawn its a new day its a new life for me ooooooooh
AND I'M FEELING GOOD

Fish in the sea, you know how I feel
River runnin' free you know how I feel
Blossom on the tree you know how I feel
Its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life for me
And I'm feelin good

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what i mean dont you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleepin' peace when day is done that's what I mean
And this old world is a new world and a bold world for me

Stars when you shine you know how I feel
Scent of the crime you know how I feel
Your freedom is mine, and I know how I feel
Its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life for me
OH I'M FEELING GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD *GRIN*

That's life

I strolled downtown today for my daily caffeine hit. Making my way through the barrage of bustling crowds was like making my way through my own thoughts of late. I found my usual spot by the window, seeking insightful revelations from my skinny blueberry muffin and my americano. I've felt a bit agitated of late. I feel like I've been stuck in limbo. Waiting. Any instant gratificationist will vouch, that to be in purgatory, is sheer unimaginable torture.

See, I'm usually impulsive. Go on my gut instinct. More often than not, I'll consider my options in retrospect. The main lesson that I've learned about myself, recently, is to trust when I don't think things are going my way. When I'm compromising my happiness, my core being, I need to take action. But recently, I've tried to think consciously about the decisions I make. I can't kid myself. I'm someone who's ruled by their heart, as much as I'll deny it. And you know what, that is not a bad thing, at all.

I learned from an early stage in my childhood, that life is seriously just too short. This isn't a dress rehearsal. And because it isn't a dress rehearsal, it means that we're entitled to make mistakes, the key is learning. Trying new situations, letting people in, engaging in different perspectives, most of all, making sure you just keep on trying. Oh, and the occasional hot chocolate and a big snog with yer girrel helps too ;-)

The next stop will be...

I've been doing a lot of travelling over the past couple of months. Excitedly gazing at departure boards that clearly show my destination. Screens and announcements that tell me exactly where I'm going.

Right now, I'm standing, staring upwards at my own personal departure board. All of the digits are flicking through on each space, and I'm not sure which letters are going to be revealed...*grin and slightly wobbly knees*

Delay vb.

1. to put off to a later time; defer.

2. to slow up, hinder, or cause to be late; detain.

3. to be irresolute or put off doing something; procrastinate.

4. to linger; dawdle.

Ring my bell

I've figured out why I have 'issues' with the local bells in Gent. They sound like they're not quite there, they're not deep enough in their sound. To my uneducated ear, they sound like a highly irritating mix between the local ice cream van and something you'd hear at a carnival/merry go round.

The fact that they're vaguely reminiscent of the ice cream van provokes an alarmingly rapid response in me, so much so, that I'm convinced it could win me a place on the 2012 Olympic sprinter squad. I automatically bolt in the direction of the door in nano seconds, sometimes without changing out of my slippers, shouting 'Hurry, we're gonna miss it! Have you got 50p? Where are the empty ginger bottles?'

I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling that there was nothing more upsetting than seeing the back end of the ice cream van pull away, just as you start to accelerate out of your drive way and onto your street. Perhaps it's this deeply agonising realisation that the ice cream van isn't actually there, and that I wont be getting a single-nougat ice cream with raspberry sauce, a bottle of Irn Bru and a ten-pence mixture after all.

I'll settle for a waffle instead though...

For whom the bell tolls

I've had the most relaxing break for a long time. Total bliss. Or so I'd hoped. Unfortunately for me, my sweetheart lives right on the door step of a *twitches nervously and coughs* beautiful cathedral. One that feels the need to chime it's bells every-fricken-morning at 7.50am!!! Picture the scene...Jo's first day off in Belgium...I sleepily kiss Sarah off on her way to work with that very content feeling that I'm rolling over and going back to sleep. I'm slabbering my way into my slumber when a cacophony of highly pitched bell chimes - that don't even sound like any sort of rhyme - start bellowing out from the nearby tower.

Now, I'm all for bell ringing, you know, on a Sunday at say midday when all of the worshippers need to be beckoned from afar. But please! Not on a week day. And definitely not on my holiday! Quite frankly, me buzzing my doorbell with my big toe sounds better! Why do they feel the need to ring the bells at this time in the morning?

I manage to work my way through this and get back to sleep. Only to be heart stoppingly awakened at 9.00am with the sound of an industrial drill coming from the floor below! Seriously, that totally freaked me out. Having lived in California, my natural reaction was to run to the door way and brace myself for an earthquake. You can imagine my despair when I realised that the workie on the first floor had checked in for his work day. I palpitated my way into the kitchen and ate a chocolate waffle to calm me down and headed back to bed, determined that I was going to have a lie in.

Ramble

I was planning on getting an early night ce soir, but, I'm feeling the urge for another Green and Black's hot chocolate. And, I kinda feel that I just need to have a conversation, even *looks around the room and whispers* if it is kinda with myself. At the risk of sounding slightly demented, I started talking to myself out loud tonight when I was cooking my dinner. Unfortunately for me the voices didn't say "Jo! What are you thinking? Peanut butter is great on yer toast but not here!" It wasn't even anything profound, I think I just needed to hear vocals, not from the radio, and not from the tv. But out loud, and directly in my space.

It comes down to the fact that this is a period of adjustment after the luxuriant indulgence of Sarah's company over the holidays.

Aerosmith's "I don't wanna miss a thing" is playing on the radio as I write this *grin*. Very appropriate lol. It's things like this that make me chuckle. A couple of weeks ago I was sitting in Starbucks, I had my usual spot by the window with my coffee and muffin, happily watching people go by. I saw a man go past with his daughter, he was pushing his grandchild in a pram. The man looked very proud as they walked down the street. It got me thinking of my Dad, and how he'd be if I ever had a child. For a very short while, I contemplated what it would be like to have a child *meep*. I have to admit that the thought did warm to me. So naturally I texted Sarah to alert her. To warn her that for the first time in my life, I could be reluctantly tip-toeing my way into a wee hormonally driven clucky period - my disclaimer being that I'm in my 30's now you know, I have no control over this! Just as the text was sent. A child, in pram, came into view,waving and smiling - DIRECTLY AT ME! *MAJOR MEEP*. Was this some sick sign from above?! I felt like I was in some sort of "Chucky" movie. I had visions of the child catapulting out of their pram and splatting onto the window laughing deriously at me whilst banging their bottle against one of the panes...I need to cut back on my e-numbers!

I've had that second hot chocolate btw, and some toast with real butter mmm. I should stop eating just before I go to bed. Meh. I've made my lunch for tomorrow though. That's an achievement for a procrastinator. I just can't be arsed ironing a shirt because I need ALL my energy to get out of bed to get to the gym before work. In all the 365 days in 2007, I only made it to the gym before work once. 2008 will be different *crosses fingers behind back*. I read the other day that women are more likely to stick to new year's resolutions if they tell pple about them. We'll see how tomorrow works out eh.

If it fits in a toaster, I can cook it.

I'm not known for my culinary skills. The girls' nites that I tend to have with Steffi and Helen always seem to gravitate towards Steffi's house more often than not. Unfortunately for Steffi, Helen and I are of the same ilk, although Helen does do a mean egg and chips!


I used a potato peeler for the first time in donkeys the other day when I was preparing a meal for Sarah. Once I'd figured out how her Belgian peeler worked I found it strangely therapeutic. See, I don't even own a peeler. When I shared my house last year, my room mate couldn't believe at the lack of "utensils" in my kitchen. That spurned me on to buy a grater...


Just before I came home, Sarah and I baked a cake together. That is to say, Sarah was the consultant and I was the grafter. It was the first time I've baked a cake all on my own *grin*. My initial motivation was really just to make the cake mixture and eat it. I didn't actually think a) that I could bake one or b) that I'd stay focused long enough to finish it off. It was made much easier by Sarah's guidance. I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised that I actually enjoyed doing it. We smugly popped the cake in the oven and went off to watch a few episodes of Ugly Betty. Sarah kept saying that we should leave it in the oven for just another couple of minutes. When we finally took it out of the oven, twas slightly crispier than we'd expected. But once you got past the crusty top layer it was totally palatable!



For today's meal, I thought I'd be a wee bit experimental with my stir fry. Take heed of this advice dear readers, peanut butter (with bits), doesn't mix well with broccoli, red onions and garlic. What was I thinking?!

Meh!

The snow has all gone *pout*